When we contort ourselves to keep everyone else comfortable, we grow resentful.
We become exhausted. Dysregulated. And somewhere in all that bending, we stop being loved for who we actually are — because our authentic self never really got to show up.
Alison Armstrong puts it simply: “Honor yourself first, or all is lost.”
When you stop pleasing others, you start respecting yourself.
Your first boundary
We tend to think of boundaries as walls we build later in life, after we’ve been hurt enough times. But we were made with boundaries from the very beginning — our first boundary was in the womb.
Boundaries aren’t punishment. They aren’t control mechanisms.
They’re for us.
Where most of us get it wrong
Boundaries are a hot topic right now, and a lot of people aren’t actually setting them — they’re trying to manage someone else’s behaviour.
Then when that person doesn’t behave the way we wanted, we cry, “You’re not respecting my boundaries!”
But a boundary isn’t: You can’t do that.
A boundary is: Here’s what I will do.
If a behaviour isn’t something I can tolerate in a relationship, I may need to make space, or leave the relationship. That’s my part to own.
It sounds like this:
“I’ve lent you money three times and it hasn’t been paid back, so I won’t be lending money anymore.”
Not: “Don’t you dare ask me for money again.”
Same line. Completely different energy. One is clear and respectful. The other is a demand for control.
And there doesn’t have to be attitude when we hold it. A boundary can be spoken calmly, kindly, and still be firm.
Sometimes the boundary is silence.
Sometimes the most respectful boundary isn’t a big conversation at all.
He disappears mid-conversation. No text back for hours. No, “Something came up, I’ll check in later.”
The old pattern is to chase: Where did you go? What happened? Are you okay? Did you die?
The boundary is to go live your life.
“I’m not going to sit here waiting. I have my own things to do.”
When we chase, they lose respect for us — and quietly, we lose respect for ourselves.
Easier said than done, I know. That’s exactly where the nervous-system work and the self-worth work come in.
We won’t let anyone treat us better than we treat ourselves
That line stops a lot of women in my office.
Until we start believing our worth — truly grounding it, not in how useful we are or how well we’re loved, but in a higher power — we will keep allowing ourselves to be mistreated in small, familiar ways.
A boundary, then, isn’t really about them first.
It’s about whether you believe you’re worth honouring.
One small step at a time, you can make more room inside yourself for all of you — and stop contorting to earn a place in your own life.
If you’ve decided it’s time for more ease and more energy for the things you love, reach out today — right here in Belleville, ON — and let’s begin.
Danielle Van Alstine
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